school's in session

i have been in a mood since i got back here.  the elation and excitement turned into a couple of blackout nights and someone i didn't think i was before.  i'm constantly annoying myself.  i won't open up to people unless it's for attention or out of a drunken hissy fit.  i bitch about people then bitch about them bitching.  i'm hypocritical in every sense of the word.  i want to get my work done and focus in class, but i'm socializing instead.  i invite a ton of people to the house then complain about how much work it was - even though these are people i deeply care about.  i get frustrated when people don't listen to me, but i space out during conversations if i'm not in the mood to listen.  i treat people terribly, tell awful stories, and then get angry when people can't stand to be around me.  i sit in class and have random fits of anger and frustration that make me grind my teeth and take deep breaths.  

i don't even think it's my parents.  i mean, it could be.  it could be that the bullshit annoys me and that i'm worried and upset and holding it in until i need an excuse for my behavior.  but even the people who care about me don't want to put up with me.  which makes me half want to try harder and half want to disappear into myself for a week or so and try to figure this all out.  maybe i do need counseling.  or maybe i just need to get my f*ing birth control renewed.  whatever will make these feelings and mood swings go away.  plus the boy would be pissed if he found out i still didn't have it.  

why can't i be the person i used to be?  i used to be so comfortable with myself.  well - maybe not that.  comfortable with the way people perceived me.  i've never really been comfortable with myself.  i need justification for everything - i hate it, but it's just the way i am.  i'm doing so well at work, and the way i act there is the way i wish i acted everywhere.  humble, hardworking, sweet.  people are always doing things for me and treating me well because i'm always doing the same.  maybe i just need to try harder to be like that for everyone.  in class, i need to find a way to focus on what is being taught (be in the room) and really try to do well.  in the dorm, i need to be respectful of my suitemates and their schedules and desires.  in the other things i do, i need to take risks, be involved, and make new friends.  not that i don't have enough friends - i just need to start preserving the friendships i worked so hard to make.  make time for each one and really prove myself as a decent person.  i'm in love with all of my friends.  i just wish i had the time and drive to prove it to each of them.  

i also need to start taking care of my body and my finances.  i spend money like i have it to burn.  i don't.  i eat like i have the metabolism i had years ago.  i don't.  i work out twice a week and act like it's an everyday thing.  it isn't.  i'm too impulsive.  and too heavily reliant on instant gratification.  i want pizza now, i eat it.  i want shoes now, i buy them.  i want to be alone now, i separate myself.  i want you to come to dinner with me, i pout when you can't.  i want the attention of every guy in the room, so i wear too little clothing and tease them until they get sick of me and move on.  i say yes to everyone so they'll like me, then flake out with a pout and an "i'm sorry" like that makes it all better.  even though i know it doesn't, the lesson i seemed to be learning over the last year seems to have flown out the window.  

what is happening to me?  i did so well this summer.  i do so well in one place for a year.  then i need to move on ... maybe it's time for some changes.  maybe i need to vow to write more.  see a counselor.  check some things off my to-do list.  hang one on the wall so it stares me in the face until i get it done.  i'm really good at making to-do lists.  it's like one giant way of not saying no, but not saying yes either.  i'm impulsive until it comes to something that needs to get done.  then i take no action at all.

maybe it's just a bad day.  no, it isn't.  well, it is - but it isn't just today.  tonight there will be better dreams.  tomorrow will be more productive at school since i'm not going to work.  i'll eat less, run more, and make an appointment or two.  and i'll write about it all.  

i wish i remembered how it felt to be balanced and good.

heat of the summer sunshine - i miss you

The Corrs dominated my ringtone for far too long last year ... I think my roommates wanted to murder me. Now they regularly send new ones to me ... "Bleeding Love" has got to go though.

So does corporate life. I took yesterday off, came to work looking like an overgrown slob (I'm wearing clothes I bought 4 years ago and I didn't shower ... I drove an hour and a half to get here this morning), and have to work 10-hour days all week. I can't tell if people keep commenting about my (seriously outdated white peasant/petticoat skirt) because they actually like it or because you can see through it. I didn't have a slip at home. Or a cardigan that fits. Note to self: stop growing in a horizontal direction. Second note to self: carry heels EVERYwhere. I show up to work in flip flops (nice brown leather gorrrgeous flip flops, but still) one time, and I get called into a meeting with the CEO to launch a totally new company. Probably the biggest thing to happen in this place in ages and I look like a hippie. Legit un-washed hair, peasant skirt, flower cardi, basically barefoot hippie. Eh what can you do, right?

Ugh 25 minutes till I get out of here ... then food shopping, movie renting, and meeting up with the soccer boys later for some down time. Then I believe the boy is coming over :) Humdeedum ... weekend was good - puppy is as cute as ever (although just as much of a biter...hrmmm), the boy is hurt so I'm missing his game against one of the guys from school (boo.), and I'm sleep deprived (what else is new?) but heavily caffeinated. This week is going to suck.

Much love (and promises of a much more attractive outfit tomorrow ... I'm thinking white pencil skirt paired with something from Ralph Lauren - haven't decided what yet),

<3

a job as hot as photovoltaic systems

So I probably shouldn't be blogging at work. But Google works, and my other summer intern/Starbucks buddy told me yesterday that he and his friends are using the documents feature to write a book (that he's probably working on at his tres-boring job as I type this), so I should be allowed to blog. I can probably sum up my internship in a single sentence: I am the personal intern (to a man I haven't seen since lunch on my first day) who spends her days doing work that someone else has either already done, is in the process of doing, or is planning on doing - better. And when that better work is done, it gets handed down to me to organize for people who probably won't read it. Oh, and they use PCs. I used to claim to be "PC-retarded," but clearly the problem lies in these damn machines. Macs just work. When I turn on my much-loved Macbook, I wait, oh - about 20 seconds while it loads up and I have access to everything. When I turn on this piece (which I had to do TWICE this morning), about ten minutes later I get to log onto the time card system and then wait another 5 minutes before my email is accessable. Ugh.

So it's been a few days ... Wednesday the Boy's game got rained out, so he came over early and we went out with his teammates and my friends and had far too much to drink, came back and had sex far too late, and when the (6) alarms went off at 6 a.m., neither of us was very happy. I, however, had to actually get up and go to work, while he went back to sleep. Grrr. I got to work in a barely-thrown-together outfit and one of the Boy's teammate's mothers (who works here about 4 desks over from me) came over, took one look at me, and laughed. Luckily, I fell in love with her when I first started here, so I let her make fun of me in a motherly way, then took a much-needed trip to the restroom to assess the damage. I looked like hell. I made it to 1 p.m. before giving up and going home to cook for the Boy before he left. I then slept from 6 last night to 6 this morning. Yummm.

And I still feel fantastic! I need to start getting 12 hours of sleep every night. And it's casual Friday - a dream for us jean queens. Outfit is very Ralph Lauren today ... Skinny jeans that absolutely adore my bottom half (I have yet to find another pair this perfect, and I swear I only paid $20 for them), a blue/white vertical stripe button down, and my white t-strap heels. Usually I like a little more movement, but today I decided to pin clothes on and let the curls loose. They're driving me nuts, but if I put it back I'd look like a ballerina with a stick up her ass.

Somehow, all three of my bosses are off today, so I'm back doing research in my own little corner. Also ... am currently convinced of a conspiracy going on in these offices. On Monday this week, there was a sign on the nearer women's restroom that claimed they were out of order. Ok, fine, whatever. I go to the bathroom roughly...fourteen times a day. But most of the week was spent in the supervisor office, so I was fine using the other facilities. Tuesday, the sign was gone - so I used both of them again. Wednesday - sign returns ... for the morning. Today? I went early, no problems with the toilets. I go back about an hour later - "Do Not Use." Just now? NO SIGN. Somebody's messing with my head. Or bladder. Whatever.

Anyways - I'm going to get some work done. Alternating research between Power Purchase Agreements & Glamour's 30-Day Makeover, of course ;) Out tonight with everyone, then weekend with the Boy. Much luuurve & happiness (I seriously suggest getting 12 hours of sleep soon) -

<3

glittering ballerina skirt

Never made it to the book.  The Boy called and distracted me for the half hour before I completely crashed.  I'm taking it to B&N now though to kill an hour before I head over to his house for the night.  Work was fine, I wore this fcuk skirt I've had since a sample sale last year and never worn until this week ... and I've never had more positive comments about a skirt ever.  I wore the highly beaded gorgeousness high on my waist over a basic cotton cami and my off-white cardigan with t-strap brown heels and matching jewelry.  To go with the ballerina skirt, my hair is piled into a cinnamon bun with a little pooch on top.  Halfway through the day I was beginning to worry I looked a bit like a grandma, but the heavier-than-usual eyeliner probably helped keep that in line.  I've thrown jeans on now to go to the game, and I've got to pack a bag and pick an outfit before tomorrow ... ugh.

No sign of Neighbor Boy since last week's sighting ... But I think that's what's kept the intrigue so high.  He just all-out grinned at me with this confidence that definitely showed he knows that he's pretty damn gorgeous (I'm talking Matthew McConoughay at 20), but was also pretty appreciative of how I looked.  I was really hoping he lives in that house nextdoor and isn't just fixing it up, but I haven't seen him since.  The fact that he saw me throw my arms around the Boy about an hour after our smiles exchanged probably wasn't too inviting though ... 

The Giants (my housemates, not the football team - who, after the Colts, are my favorites, btw) cleaned today.  It was pretty nice to come home to no dishes, fresh towels, and (miracle of all miracles) not forty people in our living room.  Not that I'm staying here tonight, but still.  I like my housemates enough, but I feel like things will never quite be comfortable.  They're a team, and I'm ... not.  They're ESPN and Sports Illustrated (not kidding.  girls who keep this stuff around like, always).  I'm very much Style Network and Cosmo/Vogue/Glamour/Elle/anymagazinebesidesSI.  But they're cool, friendly, annnnd it's a roof over my head.  That I didn't happen upon until the last day of school.  That I thought would be sooo convenient being right down the street from Bear.  But he hasn't shown up (without my initiation - and girls HATE this, by the way - but what did I expect from a guy who texted me across the room at our first meeting "you know I'm interested, what else do you want?") all summer.  So much for that.  

Anyways, I'm going down to make myself a fruit salad (part of this whole diet thing.  I've put on about ten pounds over the past two years, and I'm determined to lose 15 this summer) and head out.  Oh, just found out supervisor J teaches a ton of classes at one of the local gyms.  Definitely need to check that out if I'm actually planning on meeting my goal.  That's the "food" part of the blog, in case you were wondering.

For the fashionistas: Victoria's Secret's sale started today ... snatch up the cheap lace whatsits and yoga pants while you can!  But wait till I've had my pick ;)

<3

too lazy for diaries anymore...

I haven't kept a steady diary since I was 15, and every time I buy a new one, I think, "I'll stick with it this time."  And for the couple weeks in between classes ending and internships starting, that works out really well.  Then I'm sitting at a desk for hours on end, guzzling coffee & tea to barely stay awake until I get out of work - at which point I'm in no mood to sit and take more notes.  So while at work (they've shoved me in a cubicle where no one but leprechaun K can see me ... and he sits with his ear buds in and stares at his 3 computer screens - honestly, who needs more than one? - and doesn't even acknowledge my existence), I typed in "fashion blog" in between web sites on building products (don't ask) and up popped a couple of links.  They're cute, fine, whatever.  I love fashion, don't get me wrong.  But I need some real life in there too, you know?

So here it is: my "real" life.  I feel like the summers in between college years are either the craziest fun you've ever had (aka: parents still pay for everything or you need no sleep) or the slap in the face when you give up your beach job for a big girl job.  If by "big girl," they mean rapidly gaining weight out of depression & boredom while going to sleep before 10 like a gran, then I definitely qualify.  My friends know that it's either Starbucks after work, or letting me nap so I can go out later.  And even one or the other has been lacking lately ...

The Boy comes over a lot though.  That could be part of it.  I began calling him "the Boy" long before starting to read The Secret Diary of a Call Girl (also my inspiration to begin blogging), but it definitely works for blogging, so he's the Boy.  Also, if you haven't read that book and you've got a sex drive and some extra time?  Go for it.  I was in a serious chick lit mood at B&N the other day and I haven't put it down since.  I actually think I might go grab that now ...

Oh, and vestiti del giorno consisted of white linen pants, tight black V-neck, black strappy 4-inch heels, a charcoal eye, and all white gold/white sapphire jewelry.  And it was mani-Monday, so now my hot red fingernails match my toes from last week's pedi :)  

<3