i don't even think it's my parents. i mean, it could be. it could be that the bullshit annoys me and that i'm worried and upset and holding it in until i need an excuse for my behavior. but even the people who care about me don't want to put up with me. which makes me half want to try harder and half want to disappear into myself for a week or so and try to figure this all out. maybe i do need counseling. or maybe i just need to get my f*ing birth control renewed. whatever will make these feelings and mood swings go away. plus the boy would be pissed if he found out i still didn't have it.
why can't i be the person i used to be? i used to be so comfortable with myself. well - maybe not that. comfortable with the way people perceived me. i've never really been comfortable with myself. i need justification for everything - i hate it, but it's just the way i am. i'm doing so well at work, and the way i act there is the way i wish i acted everywhere. humble, hardworking, sweet. people are always doing things for me and treating me well because i'm always doing the same. maybe i just need to try harder to be like that for everyone. in class, i need to find a way to focus on what is being taught (be in the room) and really try to do well. in the dorm, i need to be respectful of my suitemates and their schedules and desires. in the other things i do, i need to take risks, be involved, and make new friends. not that i don't have enough friends - i just need to start preserving the friendships i worked so hard to make. make time for each one and really prove myself as a decent person. i'm in love with all of my friends. i just wish i had the time and drive to prove it to each of them.
i also need to start taking care of my body and my finances. i spend money like i have it to burn. i don't. i eat like i have the metabolism i had years ago. i don't. i work out twice a week and act like it's an everyday thing. it isn't. i'm too impulsive. and too heavily reliant on instant gratification. i want pizza now, i eat it. i want shoes now, i buy them. i want to be alone now, i separate myself. i want you to come to dinner with me, i pout when you can't. i want the attention of every guy in the room, so i wear too little clothing and tease them until they get sick of me and move on. i say yes to everyone so they'll like me, then flake out with a pout and an "i'm sorry" like that makes it all better. even though i know it doesn't, the lesson i seemed to be learning over the last year seems to have flown out the window.
what is happening to me? i did so well this summer. i do so well in one place for a year. then i need to move on ... maybe it's time for some changes. maybe i need to vow to write more. see a counselor. check some things off my to-do list. hang one on the wall so it stares me in the face until i get it done. i'm really good at making to-do lists. it's like one giant way of not saying no, but not saying yes either. i'm impulsive until it comes to something that needs to get done. then i take no action at all.
maybe it's just a bad day. no, it isn't. well, it is - but it isn't just today. tonight there will be better dreams. tomorrow will be more productive at school since i'm not going to work. i'll eat less, run more, and make an appointment or two. and i'll write about it all.
i wish i remembered how it felt to be balanced and good.
